If you look back on your own negative and
positive relationships, you might find that there are some “bad guys”
whose only crime is not getting along with you. Yes, there will be some
“bad guys” like my school bully, or my shopaholic ex, who can be said to
be morally, objectively, bad people.
But most people we consider bad and good aren't saints or demons, they're just people we clash or click with.
A huge part of reading people involves making this distinction!
We can't just treat people we dislike as
though they’re sociopaths or treat people we like as though they’re
saints. Because a “bad guy” to us might just be a normal person we don't
get along with. A sociopath might be lying to make themselves look
charming. That is exactly how normal, healthy, empathetic people
get suckered in.
Instead, we need to work on seeing people as
objectively as possible. We don't need to do this all the time.
What we do need to do is be objective when we read people. For
this we need to step back, however briefly, and ask ourselves how a
bystander might interpret the situation.
What about the people who are objectively, morally in the wrong, though?
Well, we know they are definitely “bad guys” in the
conventional sense. A thief or a killer is literally a bad guy. (Whether
or not they are to blame for their badness is another debate
entirely.) However, when it comes to bad guys who aren't
criminals, we also need to ask ourselves whether it’s effective
to think of them as villains.
Does labeling such people villains, and getting
emotionally invested in our relationship with them, help us? I thought
of my bully as a villain. It did not help me. I thought of my shopaholic
ex as a villain. That did not help me, either.
What would have helped me?
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